She Told Me She Was Going To Kill Herself.
She lived the hardest life you can imagine.
At the beginning of the year, I received a comment on my blog from a 16 year girl planning to kill herself on January 16th.
From her message, she had a lived a very painful life and that was just the start. She only shared a fraction of her pain and the worst was yet to come.
We exchanged contacts and started messaging.
She said I didn’t have to help and I don’t have to care, but I learned when people say that it means you should help even more.
We first started by sharing the music we listened to. When she sent me screenshots of her Spotify playlist, I learned even though we were 2 people in different countries of different ages, we still shared the same taste.
Soon after, we started talking about her personal life.
To say she had a traumatic life would be the least.
She was born in Eritrea — a country in East Africa which she later described as the North Korea of Africa. It violated human rights and had a dictatorship with no chance for social change. The country was corrupt to the core.
When she was only 2 years old, her parents went through a nasty divorce leaving her to live with her mother.
Living with her mother was extremely cruel. Her mother was physically and emotionally abusive. She was abused since the age of 3 with her mother belting her, spitting on her, and making her feel guilty for doing the simplest of things such as eating and sleeping.
Her mother had always been open about how she wanted a boy instead of a girl. She would tell her everyday about how disappointed she was to have a girl. To make matters worse, she would be open about how she hated dark-skinned children. She had darker skin than her mom, but lighter skin than her dad.
Unfortunately, she was unable to go back to her dad because he lost custody of her. Her mom hurt her father so much that he can’t even visit. He’s living happily with other children and family.
When she was 8 years old, her neighbor killed himself with a bomb just outside his home. She was scarred by that because everyone just moved on with their lives after his suicide and didn’t care. She still thinks about him everyday.
When she was 12 years old, her grandma left her home alone with her friend who was a known pedophile. She was molested and raped by this man. When she told her grandma what had happened, she didn’t even rebuke or report her friend for the sexual abuse. She said she should have been flattered. After she told her mother about it, her mother hit her.
After she told me all this, I asked her about how her family managed to respond this way. She responded with saying that her life is messed up and I don’t have to waste my time and energy with her. She also said she should be on Oprah because of her crazy life. I agreed and we had a laugh about that.
I told her I’m not going to judge her.
Her psychologist told her that she should be traumatized, but she said she’s been through so much with the abuse and rape that she’s numb to it all. She’s immune to any feeling.
What she did say she was deeply traumatized by was when she moved from Eritrea to Sudan (when she immigrated to Sweden). In Sudan, the conditions were horrible. She had to walk for over 10 hours in the hot desert. She was dehydrated and nearly passed out. She and her family endured physical abuse from human traffickers. The conditions in the refugee camps were disgusting and terrible.
To top it all off, she was almost captured by ISIS when the organization was at its peak strength. Fortunately, she wasn’t; however, she had a close family friend who was captured by ISIS and brutally beheaded.
She had another family friend who she confided in. The family friend eventually told everything she told her to her mother. After her mother heard everything, she told her to go hang herself while her family friend stood there nonchalantly.
After that, she lost all trust in adults.
When she finally made it to Sweden, her school counselor escalated her abuse to Child Protective Services and police. You would think that this would be good because she would be getting away from her abusive mother, but that is wrong.
She said the CPS in Sweden are often careless and impulsive. Without looking at the full extent of her environment, past history, health and evaluating her options, they took her from her mother and placed her in a foster home.
She was placed in a foster home where all people in the family and kids were normal. She was alone. She was emotionally isolated. She felt like she was so messed up compared to them because they had it all together. At least through her rape, abuse, escape from ISIS/human trafficking, parent’s divorce and loved ones dying by suicide, she had people around her who were also struggling with the same problems. But in this environment, she was totally alone. She felt out-of-place and that she didn’t belong there. The isolation was excruciating. The way she described the foster home was worse than every she had been through prior to that which is almost unthinkable given that she was literally fighting for her life, freedom and physical safety.
The isolation and neglect was unbearable; she attempted suicide. She took 99 pills and was admitted to the ICU for 3 days. Her liver was destroyed. She was admitted to the psych ward for 1-week after that.
If she weren’t saved by her friend, she’d be dead.
Eventually, she was able to move back home with her mom.
In school, she was bullied and beat up because she was tall for a girl.
She felt even her psychologist didn’t truly care for her because she’s so messed up.
In the past summer, she had witnessed her mom’s best friend hang himself in her bathroom. She didn’t know how to react. The anger, the grief, the fear, the sadness, the confusion, the unanswered questions. She didn’t cry because she reached a point in her life where she felt so empty and she couldn’t even cry.
Through all this, she was a brilliant student. She had the grades to get into medical school and excelled at science and math; however, she really wanted to become a social worker, so she could help kids in terrible environments like her.
Fast forward to now and, once again, things were getting dark in her life.
She had enough of everything and was planning to kill herself on January 16th.
After talking to her for a good while, it had appeared that she had decided not to.
But then things took a turn for the worse.
I had woken up to a message saying that January 16th came early, meaning that she was going to end her life that day in less than 8 hours.
Her custody case was opened up again and she didn’t want to deal with the pain of going back to the foster home.
Even though her mother was an abuser, she didn’t want her to go to jail. She didn’t want her citizenship to be taken away. She didn’t want her little sister and brother on the way to grow up without a mother.
Everything had the potential to fall apart. She couldn’t run away. She considered running from the case, her home and living on the streets, but in Sweden, it gets to -30 Celsius and you would freeze to death if you were on the streets.
I was so shocked and I didn’t know what to do.
She told me there was nothing I could do. She said that if I didn’t hear from her in 24 hours she was dead or brain-damaged. She said if I didn’t hear from her in 3 days, she was definitely dead and she would leave instructions for someone contact me informing me of her death in her suicide note, so I’m not left wondering.
She told me, “You can’t save everyone and that’s the ugly truth.”
I video-chatted her. No response. I video-chatted her again. No response again.
I messaged her repeatedly. I almost lost all hope and was getting ready to numb myself, so I was mentally and emotionally prepared for her death.
I kept on messaging her and finally got a response.
She kept on telling me she was going to do it and no one could stop her.
She sent me 2 pictures — one picture was her outfit she was going to die in, the other was a black chair with the black belt attached to the ceiling in which she was going to hang herself with.
Things were for real. She was ready to end things once and for all.
I kept on asking her why and why. She kept on telling me she wanted the pain to end. Life had screwed her over so many times. She was dealt the worst hand by life. She wanted to take back the power. If she was dead, who would be able to torture her?
For the next 3 hours, we talked about death. We talked about the meaning of life. We talked about pain. We talked about suffering. We talked about depression. We talked about suicide. We talked about it all.
She said that you would think since she’s been exposed to so much trauma that she would be emotionally detached by now, but the thing is she felt more and more weak and sensitive every time life screwed her over. It wasn’t fair.
She even said if the pain was only limited to child and sexual abuse, she would be fine. She just wanted things to go her way for once.
She was absolutely done. She was okay with leaving everyone behind. She kissed her younger sister goodbye and got her final tasks in order.
She thanked me for talking to her, told me to never change, said I gave her happiness in her last week, and encouraged me to keep helping people.
I felt so empty because I knew she was so broken and hurt. I couldn’t take away her pain. She just wanted to find peace.
What could I do? She was across the world, so I didn’t have any contacts who could stop her.
I offered to buy her a one-way plane ticket to California to start a new life here. I whole-heartedly said that she could have a room in my parent’s home. We would figuring out transferring her school credits to America and find financial assistance given her situation.
She just couldn’t leave. Her mental illness would be too much to deal with. Dealing with bipolar disorder (manic depression) while changing her environment would be absolutely awful.
All her pain, words and sentiments were all valid. It is too much for anyone to handle.
All I did was let her tell me everything. I said I didn’t judge her for suicide. It’s not weak or cowardly. She didn’t intend to be selfish. She didn’t want to live anymore and wanted to pain to end.
I urged her to live life because it was so short. She told me “If life is so short, why not just die now and end the suffering?”.
I agreed with her. She wasn’t necessarily wrong, but I did my best to remind her of the great thing she had in life even though her life was 1% joy and 99% pain.
She had her sister. She had a brother on the way. She had her best friend. She had me. She had good grades. She had music. She had career potential. She had the ability to smile. She had a great sense of humor. She had so many great things.
I reminded her that she had people who deeply cared for her and loved her even though they weren’t many people, she still had us.
After that, all I could do was listen…you reach a point where you give it your all and there is only so much hope you can give. I really gave it my all.
She told me the belt was tied and secured. I didn’t want her to do it.
Then she told me she was on her bed. I had no idea what she meant by that. Did she move the belt over her bed?
She couldn’t promise she wasn’t going to kill herself, but she promised to untie the belt.
Eventually, she said she wanted to be distracted and wanted to talk about just anything before she could go to bed and sleep off the pain.
I did just that. I talked to her about our favorite music artists. I talked to her about dogs, my friends, the snow, about how long Indian weddings are and how ridiculous Indian families and culture is. I sent her memes. I talked to her about just about anything random that I knew or that’s in my life.
After talking for a bit, she went to bed and didn’t hang herself.
I went on to establish myself as an emergency contact in her life to identify when she’s at risk again. Fortunately, she has procedures set in place to deal with those down moments since she will still be prone in the future. In spite of her pain, I am more than confident her life will improve for the future and she will progress.
I learned a lot from her.
She taught me about the power of human spirit. She had been through so much and was still standing even though she was on the brink of suicide. The sheer fact that she went through so much including the foster home, abuse, rape, neglect, abandonment, and nearly being captured by ISIS/human traffickers is absolutely incredible and I know, honest to God, that even though the pain will never end, she will be grow up to have an amazing life. She deserves a book and movie about her. She does deserve an interview with Oprah. She motivated me to be a stronger and better version of myself and push through all adversity in my life because if she can do it, then I can do it.
She taught me about how hard it is to deal with severe manic depression. Imagine if your life is objectively going to hell and you have the lowest bout of depression. It will be hell — the manic highs and the depressive lows. You will be prone to strong suicidal ideation. The suicidal thoughts will always be there. The side effects of her medication can be terrible — the nausea, the cramps, sleeping difficulty, fatigue, and appetite loss. Managing bipolar disorder is very difficult.
She taught me about how painful it is to be emotionally isolated. She had been through so much and her first suicide attempt wasn’t after her rape. It wasn’t after she almost got captured by ISIS. It wasn’t after a big fight with her abusive mother. It was after the isolation she experienced in her foster home. The pain of feeling of being alone, neglected and that you are beyond repair is excruciating. It is the worst feeling there is.
She taught me how valuable safety is. Safety is something that we all need to be extremely thankful for. It’s easy to take it for granted when you’re not fighting for your life constantly in a violent environment. It’s easy to take it for granted when you haven’t stayed in a dangerous and filthy refugee camp. It’s easy to take it for granted when you don’t have to cross borders and risk getting caught by ISIS or human traffickers. It’s easy to take it for granted when you have a safe roof over your head.
She taught me about the importance of breaking the cycle of abuse. Her great-grandma was abusive. Her grandma was abusive and her mother was abusive. When she has a family, she told me she won’t be abusive. I’m so glad she has the self-awareness because often times, the abused become abusers. She’s sick of the abuse and mistreatment. She will treat everyone with love, compassion and kindness and rise above hate.
She taught me about myself. She told me to never give up in situations like this and to continue to provide light and hope to people’s darkness. She said to be conscious of my own health as well since it’s easy for people with big hearts to not get the support they need themselves. She told me that in this world of evil and abuse, I should continue to stay optimistic and promote change even when it’s easy to be hurt, traumatized and jaded from the harsh reality. She taught me to find inner peace within myself while I do what I do.
She taught me that in order to prevent suicide, you’re not suppose to approach it with talking them out of it. The only way to save people is by listening to them. Listen, listen, listen. Let them express their pain. They’re opening themselves up and it’s uncomfortable enough. Comfort them. Acknowledge them. Validate them. Support them. Help them. Give them love and compassion. Empower them with the hope they need. You can’t fully “save them”, but you can help them save themselves by holding their hand and guiding them to the light. You can’t fix all their problems. You can’t reverse the past. But you can give them the support they need today.
In her, I found an angel. I found a beautiful soul. I found so much potential. I found light. I found intelligence. I found humor. I found someone who’s like a little sister to me. I found a best friend. I found hope.
I can’t wait until she makes it to college, graduates and becomes a social worker to help little kids with lives like her. She will have the remainder of her life be the life of her dreams which is a nice, safe and comfortable life.
I am still in awe for how she is still alive. I am forever happy and grateful it didn’t end this way. I asked her, “what made you keep going even though you were intent on doing on ending your life?”.
She said, “It was because you were there for me to listen when no one else was. You gave me hope when no one else did. Most people I know wouldn’t like the responsibility of having to help a depressed kid let alone a stranger.”
This is a wake-up call for everyone to care for people. Instead of caring about people only after they die, how about caring about people while they’re alive?
All you have to do is be there for someone.
You can’t fix their past. You can’t fix all their problems.
But you can help them feel less alone.
I love you. ❤️
